Welcome to our monthly review of werewolves, where forgotten/overlooked werewolf characters from movies, series, books and games are drawn back into the spotlight and given the invasive treatment. Why? Cause someone has to. Also, I really like werewolves.

“The kind of girl who jumps off the Eiffel Tower has issues, man. Real issues.”

So my brain played a trick on me, and mistakes were made. I mistook American Werewolf in Paris for American Werewolf in London, as in I thought Paris was the good one. Oh well. At least I stumbled over my perfect Werewolf of the Month, the lovely Julie Delpy as Serafine, the depressed French werewolf girl who rides a bicycle, wears some seriously nice dresses, and has terrible, TERRIBLE taste in men.

Outside of Seraphine, this was an interesting experience, the way when a dentist slips with the drill is an interesting experience.

For instance, it is neither a real sequel nor a remake of the vastly superior American Werewolf in London, but a loose sort of reimagining…thing? The intro says based on characters created by John Landis, but frankly, Chad, Brad and Sad bear little resemblance to the flawed, but at least kind of likeable duo in the London.

This movie features, in no particular order, a scene where someone is blowing a condom like bubble gum, sex on Jim Morrison’s grave, and exposition dump by way of stained glass werewolves in a church window. No, really.

It also features the worst “slutty girl” trope I can remember, who only improves in terms of amusing after she is dead. This is probably intentional, and makes me hate it all the more. I did however laugh when Amy tries to whistle and her eye pops out. I am slightly ashamed.

I have so many question about this film, not limited to, but including –

  • Why is the train sped up on the way into town?
  • Why are Chad, Brad and Sad wearing ghostbusters outfits on their climb up the Eiffel Tower?
  • Why is the chaste protagonist such a pretentious douchebag?
  • Why haven’t the French people in this film murdered these disruptive fools, Hostel-style?
  • Why are Chad and Brad hitting Sad on the head when he has a head injury?
  • Why does Seraphine climb on top of Sad, take her shirt off and put his hands on her breasts to “relax him”? Did they get Julie Delpy’s nudity clause in writing and decided to celebrate it any way they could?
  • Why is Sadtagonist such an idiot?
  • Why?
  • Why?

Also, yes, we know John Landis directed the Thriller video. Thank you for reminding us six times with “clever” “references”.  This film can go back to 1997 and stay there. But Serafine can stay.

Name: Serafine Pigot McDermott

Role: Love Interest/Antagonista

Wolf Alignment: Oh, she’s very good, and very tortured, even of the “let’s find a cure” school of thought.

Notable moments:

  • Random boobs are random, dude.
  • Legless werewolf in cellar hospital bed.
  • Werewolves on slides? Wait, what?

Whoops: This whole fucking film is a whoops. I lost track of the editing errors, let alone the script problems, the acting, and the CGI. Speaking of…

Wolfy effects: Absolutely god-fucking awful. The werewolves don’t seem to have a consistent design, sometimes they look more like lions on all fours, sometimes they are bipedal, the transfomations look horrible, and they move like those medieval lion and tiger drawings would, you know the ones, that monks used to scribble in the margins of their text, without ever actually having ever seen a lion or a tiger.

Overall rating: Two eyeballs on strings out of ten, and both of those are just for Serafine. NEXT.