Welcome to our monthly review of werewolves, where forgotten/overlooked werewolf characters from movies, series, books and games are drawn back into the spotlight and given the invasive treatment. Why? Cause someone has to. Also, I really like werewolves.
Look, I wasn’t born yesterday. I know when I am being pandered to. When I stumbled over the WolfCop at Vancouver ComicCon in 2014, I sort of bypassed delight straight into indignation. You had me at indie werewolf film, guys. It doesn’t have to be a Canadian small-town conspiracy theory horror comedy.
Almost everything about WolfCop is perfect. The poster, the makeup, the poster (“Here comes the fuzz”), the music, the effects, and the ridiculous story. I am expected to fanperson over this, and I will, but I am still slightly angry about it.
Lou is a grotesquely dysfunctional human being, let alone a cop, even in a boring little dive like Woodhaven where the most exciting thing to happen is teenagers cavorting with the devil in the forests, so basically every small town in every faintly-mystery-related movie in the history of the silver screen.
His apartment is hilariously nasty – I am especially pleased by the beer bottle in the fish tank – and he is a horrible drunk unshaven mess who drops his gun under his cop car and throws up in the first five minutes. When he does get bitten (ritualistically, to serve a greater more sinister purpose – who says there is no innovation) his senses sharpen, and his efforts to look clean-shaven are thwarted by one of the greatest cheap beard-growing effects I have ever seen.
The transformation sequence is a dream given form, because it starts from the dick. Yes, you read that right. This might be more uncomfortable to watch for your penis-havers out there, but it made me cackle with delight. Did you know that werewolves have fur on their dicks?
The story is generally pretty forgettable, but that isn’t the point. The point is there is a WolfCop mobile, and the fact that the werewolf’s little toe claws come through his boots. The funnier parts are obviously the interactions between Willy the Weirdo and Lou (“I could throw you in jail for kidnapping an officer, you know” – “I could sell you to science”) but the rest of the movie stands not to badly as well. It is thoroughly enjoyable if you like cheap-ass gore, werewolf pulp and a complete refusal to take anything seriously – which you obviously do, otherwise why would you be here.
Name: Sgt. Lou Garou (100 points, right there. Even better than Remus Lupin).
Role: The useless hero.
Wolf Alignment: Lawful drunk.
Notable moments: Man, where to start?
- The bar is called Tooth and Nail
- The most efficient eye extraction ever
- Lou shouting “Hey! You got any books on devil worship” in the library.
- “Could you transform like, right in that spot”.
- The car pimping montage – where Louwolf wears goggles because safety first. And he doesn’t replace the torn-off door.
- The prison sex scene, complete with inexplicable candles and a croony soundtrack
- The torn-off face being wiped off the windscreen with the windscreen wipers.
- Apparently Lou is stronger than other werewolves because of the booze. I’ll just leave that one there.
- There is a Wolfcop rap over the credits.
Whoops: In a film like this, it’s honestly hard to tell. I guess the lighting is pretty terrible, but it hardly matters, to be honest.
Wolfy effects: Terrible. Some of my favourite. Did I mention the cute little toe claws?
Overall rating: 8 out of 10 beers chugged by an irate werewolf. Go watch it.
See you next month! xxMcKosh
P.S.: There is also a second part, Another WolfCop, which includes Louwolf playing hockey. Yes, of course he’s the goalie.
P.P.S. Chekov requires this picture.
